When you think about your relationship and ask yourself, “What keeps this relationship strong?” what comes to mind? You might think of a variety of reasons, like, “We’re deeply in love! We really care about each other. I can’t imagine my life without them!” Each of these reasons certainly plays a role in your relationship. But research shows that once the excitement and dopamine rush of the early months of love has subsided, two key factors help sustain a relationship: commitment and intimacy.

Commitment is essentially the intention or desire to stay in a relationship, and it doesn’t have to be limited to romantic relationships. For example, whether or not we choose to continue a friendship is determined by our intention to continue it. In the context of romantic relationships, it can sometimes be difficult to tell whether our partner—or even ourselves—is intent on staying in the relationship. So, what are the signs that indicate a desire to stay in the relationship?

One of the strongest signals of commitment is the desire to introduce your partner to people who are close to you. When you tell your family or closest friends about your partner, you’re indirectly saying, “This person is important to me, and I want this relationship to continue.” This action not only shows your commitment, but it also helps you bond more deeply with your partner.

Investing time, effort, or resources into the relationship is another clear indicator of commitment. This could range from saving up to buy your partner something they love to devoting time and energy to nurturing the relationship. Studies show that the more you invest in your relationship, the stronger your sense of commitment becomes.

Another sign of increasing commitment is when you begin to identify with your partner. Using “we” instead of “I” and experiencing their emotions—whether they’re happy or sad—as if they were your own shows that your identities are intertwined. This deep sense of connection shows that you’re in the relationship for the long haul.

Involving your partner in your future plans is another strong indicator of commitment. If you’re making plans together for next summer or beyond, it’s a clear sign that you envision a future together.

These behaviors are clear indicators of commitment, but why do people choose to stay in a relationship? While “falling in love” is the most common answer, it’s not always the only reason. Research has identified three basic types of commitment that keep people in relationships:

1. Personal Commitment: This is when we stay in a relationship because we truly love that person and enjoy being with them. Personal commitment is considered the most ideal form of commitment for a relationship to thrive.

2. Moral (or Spiritual) Commitment: Sometimes people stay in a relationship not out of love but out of a sense of moral duty or responsibility. This can be due to a variety of factors, such as not wanting to end a marriage or staying together for the sake of the children.

3. Structural Commitment: There are cases where people stay in a relationship because they feel they have no other choice. This can be due to being financially dependent on a partner, which makes ending the relationship difficult or impossible.

Does marriage come to mind when you think of these types of commitment? Marriage is often seen as the ultimate commitment in many societies because it usually encompasses all three types: people marry out of love (personal commitment), marriage is often considered a sacred institution (moral commitment), and many married couples are financially dependent on each other (structural commitment).

While commitment is crucial to the longevity of a relationship, even in the happiest partnerships, commitment levels can fluctuate. It’s normal for commitment to wax and wane over time. When personal commitment wanes, people may stay in a relationship for moral or structural reasons. It’s important to regularly reflect on why we’re in a relationship, how it makes us feel, and how it affects both ourselves and our partners.

Ultimately, understanding the different aspects of commitment can offer valuable insights into our relationships. It’s important to recognize that commitment can change over time, but continually evaluating and nurturing commitment can lead to more meaningful and lasting bonds.

References:

• Arriaga, X. B., & Agnew, C. R. (2001). Being committed: Affective, cognitive, and conative components of relationship commitment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(9), 1190-1203.

• Fehr, B. (1988). Prototype analysis of the concepts of love and commitment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 55(4), 557.

• Knopp, K., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., Owen, J., & Markman, H. (2014). Fluctuations in commitment over time and relationship outcomes. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(4), 220.

• Marston, P. J., Hecht, M. L., Manke, M. L., McDaniel, S., & Reeder, H. (1998). The subjective experience of intimacy, passion, and commitment in heterosexual loving relationships. Personal Relationships, 5(1), 15-30.

• Rosenblatt, P. C. (1977). Needed research on commitment in marriage. In Close Relationships: Perspectives on the Meaning of Intimacy (pp. 73-86).

• Rusbult, C. E., Johnson, D. J., & Morrow, G. D. (1986). Predicting satisfaction and commitment in adult romantic involvements: An assessment of the generalizability of the investment model. Social Psychology Quarterly, 81-89.

• Rusbult, C. E., Martz, J. M., & Agnew, C. R. (1998). The investment model scale: Measuring commitment level, quality of alternatives, and investment size. Personal Relationships, 5(4), 357-387.